July 17th, 2001

you know

many things....

today i burned my entire right hand/wrist. i honestly have never felt pain like it before. i almost had to go to the ER. yet i did not cry. i was so proud of myself. haha. i had such a nice talk with my friend as well. i have a lot of respect for him, so it was good. and then i went and layed down on my bed and held the stuffed dino ziggy gave me. it is quite possibly the best thing anyone has ever given me. so adorable and cuddly and from the heart. i don't sleep soundly without it. thank you, ziggy. tommorrow i try shrooms and then go to food not bombs when they wear off. i have about 100 bagels in my car for it. then on friday i'm going to this thing with some friends and hopefully i will see the kid that i've decided would be a fun boy for me. long story. i just hope my hand looks less disturbing by then. :(
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you know

the pill makes you crazy

here i am sitting around in tears. i feel rediculous. and it's pretty much over a nothing that i'm turning into a something. ok i realize that most people don't know what they want out of life till way later. the thing is i'm different. i know what i want. but i can't make it happen. it's something i'm not in control of. andrew and i have the same problem right now. we are jaded cause we've done so much already. new things need ti happen. the thing we want most is love. i feel really dumb about a lot of my decisions thus far. i feel like i've tricked myself a few times to make the best of a bad situation when instead i could've avoided it. but since i've realized this, all that's left is to not do it again and hope that by doing so i will be happy with someone. not just falsely or in certain areas. but all the way content and totally comfortable.